A grateful father

  Father’s day is not as valued as Mother’s day.  It’s a fact.  Chris Rock expressed the contrast ardently pointing out that “No one says, hey thanks Dad for paying the light bill so I can do my homework”.

Maybe that’s because fathers are expected to pull the weight, working 40-60 hours a week without complaint.  And if you happen to be a father that is a stay at home dad, or are a solo provider for your child then society looks at you as a “loser,” and your child as a risk.

It is a stereotype which has been prevalent for decades.  Yet, organizations like Daddyshome Inc., is working to change that perception.  This is not to take away from mothers or single and solo moms who have traditionally had to overcome single-parent stigmas and fallout.  The organization’s mission statement credits “men, who change diapers, change the world”.

However, Daddyshome Inc., is a lot more than an organization for stay-at-home dad’s to exchange recipes and plan play dates.  They highlight a paradigm shift in the culture of single-parenthood.  In 2010, the U.S. Census Bureau reports that the number of dead-beat-moms who were delinquent on their payments had jumped to 46-percent.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau men make some or all of their financial obligations 77-percent of the time while women make full or partial payments 75-percent of the time.  So each gender is on par with one another while women head the pack south.  In the past, I never would have considered this topic because like so many I assumed it was the fathers who failed to meet their financial obligations.  That was until it happened to me.

I happen to be part of the 15-percent of men who have sole custody of their child.  Despite being awarded financial support by the judge my daughter will most likely never see a dime.  And even though I left my career as a journalist to raise my daughter it qualifies as the second best thing that has ever happened to me.  The first of course being the day she was born… which providentially fell on father’s day.

It has been nothing short of sheer bliss being there when she did her first potty in the training seat or hearing her first full sentence.  The delight of discovering her taste palate change from the bottles to solid food and hearing a “yum, daddy,” has been more fun and messy than I would have ever imagined.  And it is the astonishment that her vocabulary has grown from 50 words to 200 in less than a year.

Most of all it is the admiration and elation I have for my toddler who understands the importance of being responsible for her own actions.  When she makes a mess, she tells me “I clean it up,” and scurries for the broom and dust pan or follows me to the laundry room because she wants to help me with starting the washing machine.  Many times she makes a mess, but it’s the thought that counts.  And she is polite too.  Often she uses “thank you, please, excuse me,” when she feels it apropos to the situation.

I may have gone through hell with the life and custody battle I had with her mother.  While the judge assigned to the case: overlooks her outbursts and tirades in court, seems to look the other way when she does not follow court orders, then praises my ex for how she looks despite her carrying-out a rash of crimes, failing a number of drug tests, hiding the facts from the court and being dropped from a supervised parenting location I get to experience fatherhood from every angle.  Literally,  I could write a book and a blockbuster movie treatment to what I have gone through and continue to go through with my ex.

Do I wish that her mother would get her act together?  You bet.  But I am not the only father in this situation.  I even wish that her maternal grandmother would work with me and be part of her granddaughter’s life.  Instead she expects me to stick my toddler daughter on a plane and send her out to the Midwest for two weeks every 90-days and follow-up with just a phone call.

Sure it can be hell with externalities like these which obviously do not make the situation easy.  There are some days that I am totally wiped out.  But the reward comes when my little princess shows me that I can be the father I always wanted to be.  And I am grateful of course for the accolades from complete strangers who see firsthand how my little girl has become a little lady.

Visiting Families and the Holidays

For most, the holidays are a time to come together and enjoy the company for friends, relatives and loved ones. However, there seems to be a lack of social etiquette on the part of the visiting children and their parent’s lack of managing their own kids.

Over this holiday this family came over. A single mother with three kids. The oldest was a 14 year-old girl (acting parental figure), the next was a 7 year-old girl and a 5 year-old boy. I have met all the children before and each seemed fine, however on this occasion the boy upon 20 minutes of being in the house began to play with my 18 month old daughter’s toys. I didn’t see a problem until he began jumping on her toddler cars which he was much to big for. I told the boy nicely “I think you are too big for those” but he continued to ignore me. Then he began stuffing items into the seat of the car and when it wouldn’t close was about to kick it shut. This prompted me to tell the boy “Okay, now you need to get off because you are going to break it.”

It was at this point that the 14 year-old got upset with me and was defensive of her brother placing me in a “Larry David” situation. Meanwhile the mother kept yakking away with the rest of the fam ignoring the situation.

Why should I feel like I did something wrong? When I go to someone’s house I watch my kid. I don’t let her wander into rooms or take toys from corners without asking. Is she perfect, “no.” But I do this because this is what my parents taught me. The whole time though I was having flashbacks to when I was a kid and visiting kids from church which I didn’t know or want to know came over to my house and raided my toy surplus, wrecked my stuff, stole little weapons for my action figures and my mother just told me to “let it go because they are less fortunate.”

Now as an adult I won’t stand for it and personally I hate being the one to say “no, don’t touch,” but if you come to my house and can’t control your kids well then… it can’t be helped.

Merry Christmas